Loss of Possibilities

I’ve been trying to start writing more, again, although most of it has been letters to family that I’ve fallen out of touch with. Fortunately family, to some extent, transcends the time that causes most relationships to fade. I suppose a decent definition of family would be the people in your life that are always happy to hear from you even after a huge amount of time has passed. I tend to be fairly friendly, and I have been blessed with better friends and family than I probably deserve.

Back to the writing though. I always enjoy writing, and I don’t publish most of what I write on my site. A lot of it is more of just processing my thoughts at the time. Putting it down on paper (or the screen, as the case may be) helps me articulate how I’m feeling about things. I’ve loved writing for a very long time, and used to do it almost constantly. I had notebooks full of bad poetry and terrible short stories. I hope they were all destroyed, but I’m probably not lucky enough for that. When I was first going to college I had to decide between writing and music. I ended up deciding on pursuing music as a career, which didn’t work out perfectly, but I don’t play much music these days and I still try to write when I can.

I was just catching up on my mother’s blog, which she still thinks is just because it’s hers, and not because I like it. I do highly recommend it to anyone who like thoughtful commentary on life with a Buddhist focus (Beginner’s Heart although she just switched blogs since I wrote this Tea and Breath is the new one). She was talking about how she was going to miss me as I went off and about again. I was struck with how much some people writing sounds like the way they think, not necessarily the way they talk, but that informs it. When I read my mother’s writing I can almost hear her in my head. Gentle, carefully reasoned, trying not to make anybody feel bad or upset, but in no way pulling punches or weak.

She is one of the most prolific personal bloggers I’ve ever seen, and by personal I mean not with any industry affiliation. I suppose some news bloggers might be more prolific, but I don’t read a whole lot of news these days. As I read her post on missing me and trying to remember that it’s bad Buddhist practice to be overly attached to things I thought about how much we rely on possibilities. I was living in Portland OR, and my parents lived in Tulsa OK. They rarely came out to visit. Once a year maybe, and the whole family would usually meet up for Christmas. We also tried to do 4th of July together. My point is that my parent’s wouldn’t come out super often. However what I think my mother was reacting to was the loss of the possibility of coming out.

This is the feeling that we have when we realise that a very old friend unfriended us on FaceBook, if you’re the type to pay attention to such things. It makes us realise that they weren’t our friend for years, but our friend years ago. You almost certainly weren’t going to catch up with that person, but now you realise that it’s too late. I’m not saying that it’s too late to spend more time with my parents, not least of which is because they will probably read this, but it’s that feeling of lost possibility or opportunity. As people we don’t generally deal well with loss, even small amounts of it, and when we feel that we lost something that is important to us, like the ability to see your son, it hits us very hard.

I tend to be a pragmatist on such things. I am probably going to see my parents around the same amount every year, although I most likely won’t be home for Christmas, so I don’t worry too much about it. I honestly don’t worry too much about anything. Most of my good friends will attest to this, but I don’t think this is an especially virtuous trait. People who worry tend to care, and very deeply, and while I care very deeply for my family, and friends, there isn’t a whole lot else that really hits on my radar.

It’s nice to have money, and toys, a nice house, a car, and a job, but it’s all ephemeral. These are things that we can lose, very easily if truth be told. Family, friends, sense of self, and the relationships we build are the things that we should be more focused on. Honestly I worry that I’m the finite time I have with my family. My nephew is growing up so fast, my brother and sister-in-law are building a whole life that doesn’t have anything to do with me, and my parents are not getting any younger. However I’m not really sure what the alternative is. I’m trying to build a life that allows me to spend more time with them, but that’s a bit of a catch-22 isn’t it? Spending all of my time away to try to get more later. I don’t buy into that for retirements. I’m not interested in saving for 40 years to finally be able to do the things I want when I’m too old to enjoy them. I also know that the longer we wait the more life gets in the way.

I talked with my brother a few years back, or more than a few now that I think about it. He said that he had always wanted to go travelling, but that it would probably not happen for years now. He didn’t regret his choices, and honestly I’m a bit jealous of the life he’s built for himself with his family, but he wanted me to approach my life decisions with open eyes. I think that I do that, but I suppose everybody thinks they do, especially the people with their eyes closed tightest, fingers in their ears yelling over everything that it’s all fine as their life goes over the edge of a cliff. Here’s hoping that I’m not one of those people, and that you aren’t either.

Noah Gildersleeve
Sunshine Coast AUS 2016

Working On the Road

So you’re working remote. You have a deadline, and you’re saaaaay in Southeast Asia, like me. Where can you get it done? I know some people that work quite well from lobbies in hostels. Personally if I need to get more than three hours or so of work done per day I need someplace quiet to work. At hostels I always say that I get distracted by fun.

“Hey Noah, you want to go to the beach?”

“Wow, that sounds like way more fun than what I’m doing!” Clack goes the laptop shut.
I’ve tried a few different ways of doing this. I’m not sure if you thrive on chaos in a work environment; I’ve met a few people who do (ie. development bullpens shudder).


I’ve was working in Kuta, Bali at a coffee shop quite a bit near the end of my time there. It was great. They had actual ice tea, yes that is ACTUAL ice tea. If you haven’t been out here before you don’t know how rare that is. Most of the ice tea is basically syrup. Aside from that it was some of the only decent WiFi I had found on the island.

This bares mentioning. Most hostel Wifi sucks. It’s not even an issue with the connection. They are using consumer grade routers with WPA/WPA2 encryption. Those routers were only designed to work with maybe 4-6 devices and a lot of the time they are supporting 30+ devices. In addition to that they are almost never configured by someone familiar with the idea of signal interference, or any of the other quick ways of increasing signal strength in wireless networks.

Back to the coffee shop though, I was working there every day for 5-7 hours. It was great. Aircon, good food (although pricey), not too long of a walk, and the internet was fast enough that I wasn’t waiting 20 seconds every time I clicked on something on a server I was remoted into. Also they gave me a cold towel to wipe off the sweat when I came in, and they had power outlets at the tables. The pluses were many, but there were some downsides too.

I was averaging $7-$10 per day while I was there. That was a big glass of iced tea, a small glass of iced tea (after lunch), and a burger. The burger was really good, they put beets in it sometimes, who knew that would be so good? I was hitting my deadlines and making money being there, so it didn’t really bother me, but that’s a bit of money in Bali. I was only paying $6/day for my dorm room, and street food was about $1 for a meal. It might not be worth it to you, depending on how much income you’re pulling in on those days. If I was only working one or two hours I might not have paid for it.

Mobile Data

I used primarily used mobile data to connect in the Philippines and India, although I used it a little bit in the islands in Southern Thailand. The data was not bad in either place, and it was much faster then the WiFi. I WiFi tethered my phone to my laptop to connect. It is pretty easy to setup and almost all smartphones support doing it. Just remember that you need an unlocked GSM phone to use it outside of the USA. Other countries don’t need to worry as much. BTW it’s almost impossible to get a SIM card in Sweden if you aren’t a citizen (if you can it’s super expensive).

In India most places are using a mobile dongle connected to an access point (router). So your phone will have as much bandwidth as the rest of the restaurant/bar/cafe combined. It’s a pretty easy sell. In Goa it ran me $20 USD/10GB of 3G. I was getting about 5-6Mbps, but the latency was pretty high. This was not in the major areas of Goa either. It was in a pretty small fishing village. Also getting an Indian SIM card is a bit of a pain. I’ll link to a walk-through on how to get one.

In the Philippines the SIM cards are cheap and so is the data. It’s not as cheap as India, but few places are. I paid $30/month for unlimited 4G when it was available and 3G everywhere else. It was pretty good. I used Smart based on some reviews I saw online. You can buy prepay credit almost everywhere, although the SIM cards can be a bit hard to find if you aren’t in the city. Grab one in Manila or Cebu if you go through there. I was able to get some work done in the hostel on my bed while tethered, but I kind of wish I had someplace quieter. Eventually I ended up connecting to my phone and combining it with the next option.

Hotels/Private rooms

Some hotels do have decent WiFi. The one I’m writing this at has excellent connectivity. Thailand in general has had good internet. Koh Lanta didn’t, but it’s one of the smaller, less developed islands. Phuket is fine here. They are connected via fiber. I lead with this because I paid $25/night in Cebu City for a hotel because I thought it would have good wifi. It didn’t. The room was nice though and they had room service, and McDonalds delivery (don’t judge me). Even if you are tethering to your phone it still might be worth spending the extra money on the room if you need to get a bunch of work done. I’ve been working full time here in Phuket, and in Manila and Cebu City I took a week or two each to get some work out the door and have a break from the craziness.

The private room is a good compromise, if you don’t want to become a hermit like I tend to when I’m working a lot. You have your own space to work, but you can come out in the evenings and see people and socialize. I did this for a few days in Manila before I went to Nepal. It was nice. The hotel can be more social if you know people in town, but it’s much harder to meet people traveling outside of a commons area, and hotels don’t have those. If you’re lucky they’ll have an overpriced bar.


I personally can’t stand working at restaurants unless I don’t eat anything. They sometimes have decent WiFi because people are usually just checking FaceBook instead of talking to their friends and they’re not streaming movies. The one exception I’ll put on this is hotel restaurants. People tend to leave you alone and people don’t talk. I still don’t like eating while I’m working somewhere else, but I feel more comfortable doing it at my hotel, although I did eat every day in Bali while I worked, so maybe it’s a comfort thing. It feels weird to me to work at a restaurant. Even at a hotel I’d prefer just to get room service or have something delivered.


The closest I got to an apartment, so far on my travels, is an apartel (apartment/hotel) in Manila (specifically just outside Makati). It was pretty nice. the WiFi was bad, but the mobile connectivity was good, and they delivered a lot of fast food (you can see that Manila was not good for my health). I had one of the nicer rooms I stayed at in the Philippines, and it was only $20/day. I even could have cooked there if I had felt like it.

Co-Working Spaces

I know some people that love co-working spaces. I’ve never used them much myself. I was in Koh Phagnan and was right next to one. I went up to it, because I figured the internet would be better then at my hostel. It had a dog in the lobby that hated me, and kept trying to bite me, which was weird because dogs usually love me. No one knew whose dog it was, and nobody was working the desk. I thought about going back later, but it didn’t seem like a place that was conducive to concentration. Other than that it looked quite nice and apparently had dual fiber hookups for fail-over.

I am going to be looking more into co-working spaces if I stay in a city long enough to justify getting setup at one, but I haven’t so far. If I find one I like I’ll be sure to post about it. I did a preliminary check in Bangkok, but the reviews were ho-hum. I’ll check them out if I end up grabbing an apartment there.


Now we’re back to hostels. I mentioned before that I can’t get a full day of work done at hotels, but I can get some done. I worked maybe 20-30 hours/month through the beginning of my trip in the Philippines, and I did work in Goa, but that was a two bed private with my buddy.

When I say hostel I specifically mean dorm rooms. The issue for me was that when people walk in and see you on your laptop they feel the need to engage. They think that you are a shut-in that won’t leave your room due to some issue. It’s an admirable reaction because they’re trying to help, but it’s also annoying when you’re interrupted every hour or so by someone talking to you. I mean if I’m on my bed with headphones and a laptop I probably don’t want to talk. Maybe other people don’t have that issue, but if you’re social and get to know the people at the hostel they will talk to you no matter what. It sounds weird, but if you aren’t on the first floor, or next to the commons area it’s less of an issue.

Internet Quality

I’ve done a bunch of talking about where I’ve found the best internet, but I haven’t went into how I judge it. I have pretty specific requirements, but this should give you a good guideline for checking. My requirements are that I need to VPN (secure connect) to a server back in Portland, OR, access servers there, websites, and general web browsing for research.

I have an app on my phone that’s a speed tester. It’s called Ookla. It’s the speedtest.net app, so if you are on a laptop you can also just go to Speedtest.net There is an Android and an IOS version. It doesn’t give all the data I’d like in a speed tester, but it’s free and easy to use. I’d prefer to get package loss and jitter, but we can’t have everything. I take the throughput (higher is better, but 3-5Mpbs is generally enough) as well as the latency (lower is better). I also bring up my FaceBook and see how long it takes to load the news feed. I sometimes bring up a youtube video and see how long it takes to buffer. I also like to go to a couple of blogs that I read and see how fast they load (arstechnica, hackernews, etc).

What I Used

Here is a breakdown of what I used in all the places I’ve been. This is for work. If I was just messing around on FaceBook then it doesn’t really matter how fast the internet is, just that it runs at all.

  • Sweden
    • Some tethering, but I was on international roaming so it was epensive and slow in the rural area where I was staying
  • India
    • Mobile 3G with tethering
  • Philippines
    • Mostly mobile 4G/3G
    • I used WiFi some before I left Manila because I was in the heart of Makati which has pretty good connectivity and was one of the only places with good WiFi I found in the country. The only other place was in Malapascua, which is weird because it’s a really small island.
  • Nepal
    • I was only ever able to get my email to work on the WiFi there. If you’re staying in Kathmandu it might be worth it to grab a SIM card. I spent a lot of time in smaller towns though so it didn’t seem worth it.
  • Singapore
    • I used WiFi, but was pretty underwhelmed. I had heard Singapore had great WiFi, but the place I stayed at didn’t. To be fair it was really cheap for Singapore.
  • Indonesia
    • I had a SIM card here and it worked okay, but in Jakarta my hostel had great WiFi, and in Jojakarta I didn’t do much work. In Bali once I found the coffeeshop I didn’t use anything else
  • Malaysia
    • In Malaysia I used mostly WiFi. I had a SIM card but data wasn’t cheap so I didn’t use it too much. In Penang it was pretty bad. In KL I stayed at an incredibly cheap hostel the first time, and the second time I was working quite a bit, but I was staying with a friend that had an apartment with fiber.
  • Thailand
    • The internet in Thailand is great. I had a SIM card too, and when I wanted faster internet I would use my SIM card, but the WiFi was good. It’s what I’m using now.

The Terror of the 40 Hour Work Week

So, I came out to Phuket in order to get back in shape. I enrolled in a fitness camp and did a meal plan and booked a room for a month. I have done about none of those things, but I have got a ton of work done as well as started to work on some side projects. I’ve been pretty productive even if my sleep schedule would make a doctor wince.

I was thinking about how my remote working situation has changed since I started this trip about a year ago. When I started I wasn’t working much at all because the internet in rural Sweden wasn’t very good, or it wasn’t where I was staying. Also the mobile was a pain/expensive to setup if you weren’t a Swedish citizen. In India I was working about 5ish hours a week over mobile 3g tethering. I’m going to write up a post on what types of internet I was using in each country, and where I got it.

Now I’m working more like 40 hours a week and it’s been a bit of an adjustment. I don’t do very well with a normal 8 hour workday. My working tends to be more in spurts then that. 12 hours one day, maybe just a few the next. I get on a roll and then go until I get out of the zone or get too tired to stay up. I’ve been told that this isn’t how most people work, but it’s always served me pretty well. It lends itself to having days scattered through the week that you don’t have to do a ton off work. Little mini days off help keep you sane. However I will say that if I’m working I tend to work more than 40 hours/week

I guess my point is that in our culture we have come to this shared delusion that all people work best in the exact same hours (9-5), and for the exact same amount of time (40 hours/week). People are a lot more complicated than that, and productivity/creativity is a lot more idiosyncratic to those people. I read once, and agree whole-heartedly, that motivation and creativity wax and wane. You shouldn’t feel the need to do mediocre work just because other people are. Don’t feel bad if you don’t feel the normal work week, and if your job doesn’t allow you to work in the way that you put out your best work then you might want to re-evaluate your working situation. Some of the best engineers I know put out a higher volume of higher quality work if they only work 30ish hours/week. This is heresy in an industry where 60+ hours/week is seen as pretty standard. Although that also isn’t an excuse to slack. If you miss deadlines or put out not much/low quality work then you have other issues.

Most people only work about that much anyways. They sit around, go to meetings, do email, and a cornucopia of other things that do nothing to drive quality or generate revenue for their respective employers. There was a time when I was in meetings for around 30 hours/week. I don’t really consider that work because it does nothing to push out product, or improve quality. I suppose you should take my hourly estimates with a grain of salt though because when I state those numbers I don’t generally include the previously stated activities. Although I will say that I generally prefer a quick Skype call to trying to hash things out over IM/chat. It generally takes a lot longer.

I’ve been ranting a bit, but I feel pretty strongly about this. I’ve been lucky that for the past several years I’ve had more flexibility with my work environments than most people. This has been a combination of luck, conscious choices, and having the pleasure of working with people that are way too good to be seen with the likes of me. Just remember that it’s more productive, and pleasurable, to structure your life around your work then the other way around.

A new start to the blog

A new start to the blog

So I was going over my blog and my personal website, and trying to get them both up to snuff. I finally decided, after much waffling, that having two sites didn’t really make sense. I imported all of my old posts from By the Moon and the Starts and tried my best to make my homesite not look too terrible. So I am planning on going ahead and posting more on this site going forwards.

I’m done with the jumping from one place to another thing for a while, and I’m going to be focusing more on work and other projects. Hopefully this will lead to me having some things to say about the projects I’m working on, as well as how it feels to switch back into a more traditional working mindset. Now granted, I say that as I lay in bed in Phuket typing on my laptop. So onward and upwards as they say.

An ode to Portland

I’m getting ready to leave Portland. I thought I was completely ready, aside from

  1. getting my car detailed (more expensive then I expected)
  2. returning the CPAP to Apria, which is at the freaking airport.

I have my bags packed for India and stuff set aside for the wedding I’m going to/for when I get to sweden. I was just getting ready for work this morning and looked around the room I’m staying in. There was tons of stuff on all of the surfaces. These aren’t the kinds of things I’m prone to noticing, as any of my roommates will vouch for. I guess most of that stuff will go into the trash, and the toiletries will go into my carryon.

One of my best friend’s weddings is rapidly approaching. I’m looking forward to it, but it marks the ending of a chapter in my life. This summer has been rife with weddings, and the accompanying festivities (ie. bachelor parties, rehearsals etc.). It seems like this summer is full of change for many. The cycle is a little off as Autumn and Spring are generally considered the seasons of change.

Spring for beginnings,

and Autumn for endings.

As I said this summer marks the ending of a chapter for me, and while endings are inevitably beginnings as well, I can’t help but reminisce.

I remember past summers spent in downtown Portland hopping from bar to bar hunting the elusive $3 well drink happy hour. I remember running delirious down Burnside with my friends as we tried to find some place to eat at one in the morning. I remember chainsmoking outside apartments talking with passerby. I remember farther back sitting on the porch with my brother and our roommate playing music in the moderate Portland sun. I remember sitting with my neighbor years later playing music while he sipped the beers that he mixed together and I drank cheap rum and Coke while I was supposed to be in class. I remember my first concerts in Portland with my brother in small dark bars drinking darker beer. I remember impromptu parties with 15 of my neighbors on Tuesdays as people kept showing up that led to incredibly hard mornings at work the next day. I remember hiding behind the fountains in the park with my friends late at night and taking photos framed by sparkling drops of water.

I also remember Springs spent waiting for the sun, walking between classes on campus with my hoody, long used to the Portland rain. Spring classes spent up late with my friends writing code while drinking Redbull. Breakfast before class with dark coffee and cheap eggs. The occaisional beautiful Spring Friday when my brother and I played hooky and spent the afternoon drinking beer and playing terrible golf in a Portland vineyard. I remember calling into work, or skipping class on Spring days and spending the day with one of my best friends playing Halo and drinking mimosas, swearing so loudly at each other the neighbor would come over to make sure we were ok, then would join us for drinks. I remember Winters spent with my brother. Holding tight in our impromptu fortress. I remember walking to the store so that we could by food and twice as much beer as we needed, then laying on our cheap furniture and watching anime and movies jury rigged to play off of our old laptops. Winters mostly moderate but for a few huge blizzards that brought poor Portland to it’s knees. Winters, Thanksgivings, and Christmases spent with new friends that became old friends, that became like family.

I don’t regret my decision to go traveling, but I will still miss my family and my friends. Excitement doesn’t diminish that feeling, but it does flavor it. It’s important to remember that as we move along with our lives that we don’t regret moving on. Treasure your memories and your loved ones, but know that all that’s past is gone. Moving on is as essential to new wonderful experiences as breathing, and when nostalgia causes my throat to catch I try to remember.

Just breathe.